It's not often anymore that I allow myself to go down the path of feeling mad, but lately it seems to be cropping up a little in me.
I am outgoing. I love people and groups and friends and socializing. So, in this new chapter where I don't have "my people" or time or resources to go out much, I find myself fighting that-the MAD. His behavior took that life I had away from me and now it is not even an option to go back to that world. This is my place now, but it is new, and I am limited in different ways as a working single mom of a toddler. Honestly, it just is harder to meet people now. Unless they knock on my door, I'm not sure how we would find each other!
The other MAD came from a realization about hugging. I am touchy. Goes back to the liking people thing I mentioned earlier. Last year I discovered that even when it was someone related to me, I cringed at their arm around my shoulders and physically pulled away quite obviously and awkwardly. Thankfully in that situation, no one got their feelings hurt by my strange response to their attempt to show me love and comfort. This reaction has improved with time, and I am happy to say that physical touch seems to be ok for me now. But, hugs....something I used to treasure-they are tough for me still. I fight an urge to run. When I don't initiate it, I ache to disentangle after a few seconds and hide in the corner. And then I hate that those feelings exist in me. Because that is not who I am. It's just because of HIM. Our hugs, the hugs in that past life, were filled with sadness or came just after awful abuse. They confused me emotionally as he dealt in such extremes.
Life is safe now, and I'm working on the hugs part. I am getting better. I choose all those things above over anxiety, anxiousness and fear. Off to cuddle something...truth be told, it's my body pillow. Choosing happy.
I am outgoing. I love people and groups and friends and socializing. So, in this new chapter where I don't have "my people" or time or resources to go out much, I find myself fighting that-the MAD. His behavior took that life I had away from me and now it is not even an option to go back to that world. This is my place now, but it is new, and I am limited in different ways as a working single mom of a toddler. Honestly, it just is harder to meet people now. Unless they knock on my door, I'm not sure how we would find each other!
The other MAD came from a realization about hugging. I am touchy. Goes back to the liking people thing I mentioned earlier. Last year I discovered that even when it was someone related to me, I cringed at their arm around my shoulders and physically pulled away quite obviously and awkwardly. Thankfully in that situation, no one got their feelings hurt by my strange response to their attempt to show me love and comfort. This reaction has improved with time, and I am happy to say that physical touch seems to be ok for me now. But, hugs....something I used to treasure-they are tough for me still. I fight an urge to run. When I don't initiate it, I ache to disentangle after a few seconds and hide in the corner. And then I hate that those feelings exist in me. Because that is not who I am. It's just because of HIM. Our hugs, the hugs in that past life, were filled with sadness or came just after awful abuse. They confused me emotionally as he dealt in such extremes.
Life is safe now, and I'm working on the hugs part. I am getting better. I choose all those things above over anxiety, anxiousness and fear. Off to cuddle something...truth be told, it's my body pillow. Choosing happy.