When I look back now, I realize there were some things that bothered me when we dated. He didn't try that hard with my family. I love my family. And I don't just mean my mom, dad and sisters. Growing up we spent tons of time with my cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. I genuinely enjoy both sides of my family a great deal. If we weren't related, I'd still choose to be friends with them.
When my cousin and her fiancé came to town and stayed with me for 2 days he did not come to dinner either night or to brunch. He didn't meet them at all. And at this point we had been together a year and a half. It wasn't as if I was thrusting him into "meeting the family" way too early or making things serious that weren't serious. He said he was "working." Now that I know how rarely he actually worked, I know that was an excuse. Maybe he played video games with his roommate. Maybe he slept all weekend. All I know is that I didn't like that he didn't care to make an impression at all, let alone a good impression. I was kind of embarrassed that he couldn't be bothered to join us all weekend. I made excuses for him. But honestly I took it personally, and it wasn't about me-it was about him.
My mom came to visit for 10 days, and he was with us twice. TWICE! He was somehow able to make the time in his "busy schedule" to see six movies in the theater with his roommate. Yes, six. Something like 17 hours of movies. He never even met my dad in all our years together.
He was not a participant in my life. The things that mattered to me were not even blips on his radar. He could not understand why I would even ask him to be there if he didn't want to be. What I should have asked myself is: why didn't he want to be there? He did not have close relationships. The guys he lived with he complained about more than he enjoyed. His siblings did not speak with him often. One was completely estranged for 2 of the years we dated and is now estranged again. You would cut someone off too if they made threats. He moaned and groaned about his parents constantly and all of their shortcomings.
As time went on, he did the same about my parents even when I wasn't complaining about them. I see now that it was a tactic of isolation. He said we "only needed each other." I have learned that is a really common attempt to control within an abusive relationship. He told me I talked to my family too much. The interesting part of that assessment is that most of the time I called them when I was gone from the house because I didn't feel free to have a conversation at home. He had no idea just how much I actually did talk to them. He blamed my parents for everything that was "wrong with me." If I did have a phone conversation at home he would tell me I was shallow and only "talked about the weather" which was his attempt to say asking people how they are and what they are up to is insignificant. But it isn't-when you care about someone you care about their life, each seemingly small aspect of it matters if it matters to them. Most people don't enjoy talking about inventions that will never be created or conspiracy theories for hours on end. I always found it interesting he would tell me I wasn't a good friend when I had lots of friends I was close to and he did not.
No matter how many times I told him that he had caused me much more pain and trauma than my dad ever did, he continued to throw Dad under the bus for every insecurity I had. My fear of abandonment was heightened significantly through our time together because of his threats and manipulations.
Also he insisted I did not have respect for authority. This coming from someone who had been arrested, constantly wanted me to break rules and who did not believe laws applied to him. Yes, I, the rule-follower am the one who has a problem respecting authority...what he meant was I was not treating him as the end-all, be-all authority figure he felt he should be with me, and he didn't like it.
I see now he was projecting his issues onto me. It seems so obvious. But at the time being so sleep-deprived and stressed, it just felt like I was a bad wife and that is why he was the way he was with me. My friends' husbands were nice to them. And it seemed like my friends harped on their husbands about little things much more than I did--but their husbands didn't mind. It was a partnership in a way i never had with him. I had learned to never bring up things that bothered me because it wasn't worth his reaction.
He yelled that I was "wearing the pants" all the time, but he refused to work consistently to help us financially. He left me with little choice but to do what I could to help us survive. Nothing ever changed in that category because his solution was "I'll just make more money" which was a fictional response.
Now I am in such a better spot. Had we stayed 1. I might not be here writing this 2. Finances would have only gotten worse. It was the choice I had to make but it was not easy. Seeing his lack of improvement is only validation that it was the right decision.
Relationships are about treating each other how you would like to be treated. They are about respect and love and fun and companionship. I can do relationships. My friendships of decades say I can. I just couldn't do it with him any more.