Tonight as I heard the toddler fuss enough that I needed to go in, I walked into a balloon in the dark. We got it from a birthday party last weekend and it has been moving around the house being used as a friend, punching bag, and various other things. That moment when I walked into it, I felt like someone touched my arm in the dark of the hallway and my heart leapt in my chest.
I HATE that feeling. Your heartbeat tells you that you're living and breathing, but a racing heart makes me want to jump under my covers, lock the doors and never come out.
Another thought I had this week was in seeing people post Halloween school pictures. People literally "check in" with where their child goes to school. I can't imagine feeling carefree enough to do that. Everything is a risk. I wish I could buy a new car so he wouldn't know the car I drive. I wish I could disappear. I have this happen at the beginning of the school year too when parents make the signs saying their kid's school name. I panic on their behalf and yet they are calm. We live in different worlds. In mine, nothing is safe. The less said the better. Take a picture. Check to make sure the background is vague and no license plates are showing anywhere. Nothing can be decipherable. Honestly it is exhausting to never let your guard down. Exhausting but necessary.
I know what needs to be done. Self-care had to be learned for me, but I get it. And it has changed everything. When those feelings arise, I deal. If I feel like the blinds have to be all the way down to feel comfortable at home, then they are put down. And that doesn't make me weak. I just know what I need. And if I can control any little bit of stress in my life when so many other elements are out of my control, I'm going to do so.
You know what you need. Maybe not right now in this moment, but try to listen to your body and mind. PTSD is no picnic, but you can get to a place of functionality where you can avoid most triggers once you are aware of them. Take care. I mean that.
I HATE that feeling. Your heartbeat tells you that you're living and breathing, but a racing heart makes me want to jump under my covers, lock the doors and never come out.
Another thought I had this week was in seeing people post Halloween school pictures. People literally "check in" with where their child goes to school. I can't imagine feeling carefree enough to do that. Everything is a risk. I wish I could buy a new car so he wouldn't know the car I drive. I wish I could disappear. I have this happen at the beginning of the school year too when parents make the signs saying their kid's school name. I panic on their behalf and yet they are calm. We live in different worlds. In mine, nothing is safe. The less said the better. Take a picture. Check to make sure the background is vague and no license plates are showing anywhere. Nothing can be decipherable. Honestly it is exhausting to never let your guard down. Exhausting but necessary.
I know what needs to be done. Self-care had to be learned for me, but I get it. And it has changed everything. When those feelings arise, I deal. If I feel like the blinds have to be all the way down to feel comfortable at home, then they are put down. And that doesn't make me weak. I just know what I need. And if I can control any little bit of stress in my life when so many other elements are out of my control, I'm going to do so.
You know what you need. Maybe not right now in this moment, but try to listen to your body and mind. PTSD is no picnic, but you can get to a place of functionality where you can avoid most triggers once you are aware of them. Take care. I mean that.