You are living your life, going about your business becoming an adult. You date a little bit. Nothing serious. Then someone comes along who acts respectfully. He takes you on dates. He PAYS. He says he might be falling in love with you. Your heart soars. Weeks become months. You celebrate your anniversary every month. Sometimes he does that with handmade cards. He writes little notes on your dry erase board in your apartment kitchen for you to find days later.
You're head over heels. Soon, the "might be falling in love with you" turns into "I love you" and serious talks about your future together. You're thrilled!
He sure works a lot. Sometimes your plans fall through because at the last minute he says he needs to stay home and work so you don't meet up like you thought. That's ok, you think-he's such a hard worker and that is a great quality. You blend your lives together as people do. As time goes on, he proposes. You plan a wedding. You get married. You move. Life begins together.
Then, it happens. Something seems "off" but you think maybe you are being paranoid. Maybe you're being overly sensitive. So you push down those feelings you're having and move forward. It happens again. Words said that hurt your feelings. Not just the typical misunderstanding that people have, but the deep down to your soul kind of cutting words that do real damage. No apology is given. You are confused. Ok, he handles anger differently, you spin it in your head. You try to adjust your behavior accordingly so that you aren't confronted by that beast you saw the other night. The problem is, you adjust and adjust and adjust until you have no idea who you are anymore.
His feelings will always trump yours. His behavior will be confusing and erratic but you must predict, adapt, and suck it up to keep your boat of a life afloat. That "work" he always talked about is now pretty obviously not happening and may have just been an excuse to not do things he didn't want to do. Ouch. Well, ok, you'll work harder to pick up the slack financially. People go through hardships as couples, right? That's normal. Talking about finances is tough, right? You seem to ask yourself these questions a lot.
Adjust. Adjust. Adjust.
There are some good days. They become less and less frequent. Sometimes after a bad day, he wants you to be instantly happy and act like nothing happened. That is confusing. You start to wonder if you feel things normally or if this is what people do. Marriage is hard. People say that. This must be what they meant. Ok, act happy.
A baby is on the way. You've always wanted this! Exciting! Ugh, but financially...scary. Ok, so you have that retirement from that other job. You'll use that. You guys can figure this out! Except "you guys" is actually just you. He's not a participant in the adulthood you are trying so desperately to enjoy. He's there. He's difficult. He sleeps a lot. He doesn't really work much. But he's there, and he's demanding. You start to feel sad. Is this what your life is going to look like for the next 30+ years? How is this sustainable? His words grate on you. Criticism. Criticism. This is your constant.
You start to feel that you're doing everything for your family but he is calling all the shots. He gets mad about your independence that he used to say was one of your most appealing qualities. So you try to be less independent. You eventually walk on eggshells all the time. You yourself are a shell of who you used to be. All of this combined with pregnancy hormones just might be enough to make you feel insane. He tells you you are crazy whenever he gets the chance. You cry. A lot. You cry daily, nightly, and lots of the hours in between. He doesn't care. In fact, he seems to start enjoying making you cry. He won't let you wipe your eyes or blow your nose. You are forced to sit in closets while he talks to you. You are not allowed to sleep. You feel...numb.
He seems to be getting angrier which doesn't make sense because you never even talk anymore, let alone have a different opinion than him. It's not worth the reaction. He blames you for everything that is wrong in his life. He'd work more, make more, be more, if it weren't for you. You sit and cry and take it. You don't know what else to do. He has convinced you that you are nothing. You're isolated. You're alone in your mind, your life, your marriage. And with a baby kicking away in your belly. That keeps you going.
One night, he is out of control. You wake up the next morning with aching arms and sure enough, there are bruises on your arms. Perfect fingerprints of purple and blue and black. Except so far from perfect. You are terrified. How do you disentangle? Where will you go? What will you do? You are far away from family and friends.
You have the baby. For awhile, that helps. But not really. A couple weeks in, there is terror again. Bruises come in month 4. You're told how fat you are. Your mommy tummy gets pinched. You are pressured to do things you don't want to do and when you say no, you are punished. You are keeping a tiny human alive but barely eating yourself. There is no money. Bills are behind. He makes big plans about the future as if this isn't reality. You hate when the baby goes to sleep. She is your excuse to leave the house, do things, stay away from him. At night he rages. He won't let you sleep. You are a torture victim. Hours and hours of talk, talk, talk drive you to the brink. You are exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally.
Finally, it all comes to a head. Rage. Torment. Fear. Screams. Will someone help you? Will they stand up to him and rescue you from your life? Will they protect you while you pack? Will they hold him back so he doesn't kill you? Will they help you get out with the baby? It used to be weeks and months between bruises but now it is days. You know you have to go, but how? He says he will tell people you are crazy. And you feel crazy so...maybe they'll believe him.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
This is what they do. They make you think you have no good thoughts in your head until you are a zombie walking around, coping, breathing in and out and not much else. Your mind is full of their ideas about you. The physical abuse comes after hours and days and weeks and years of mental destruction. It is all part of the plan to break you down so that you are stuck.
Then society tells you it is your fault too. I am lucky to have gotten out, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done. My chances of being killed by him went up significantly when I left. "JUST LEAVE" is the most uneducated statement anyone can make in regards to abuse. I left everything behind but my baby. I left animals, clothes, furniture, friends, a town, my church, my life. "Just leave" in a flippant tone basically means: just risk dying at the hands of someone who no one else will stand up to who is insane and loves to hurt you. Just...do it, it's easy.
Know that you're not alone. If you have gotten out, you are the bravest person I know. Surround yourself with those who will support you and help you heal, not break you down. Being judged for "allowing" this to happen is the last thing you need right now as you restart your life. Keep sharing. Get stronger every day. Help someone else. It's worth it. You're worth it. You are not what you've been told. You're also not what has been done to you. You're so much more.