You will lose friends.
People will say you're doing it wrong. It = healing from trauma.
People will be amazing if you stand back and give them the chance to be so.
I have been continuously surprised (I really shouldn't be by this point) at the generosity, support and care of others in my life. Those I haven't talked to in years were often more supportive than those who I thought were close friends. And that's ok. It wasn't ok at first. I was extremely disappointed. I felt the losses of those friends deeply as they stacked on top of the losses I was already experiencing at the end of my marriage and life where we lived.
The leader of my support group says it's a pendulum. When you first leave an abusive situation, you swing way far away from where you were to a point of anger, frustration, lack of empathy, etc. Then you swing back to a happy medium where you can again feel for others more fully and what they are experiencing. At first, the things you are going through are so extreme and complicated and ugly and painful. It makes you want to scream to everyone that your days are hard and the nights are harder. It makes it hard to take in complaints and carry the burden of others.
Another aspect of abuse that some on the outside have a hard time understanding is silence. Deafening silence. You have kept things quiet. Some people have been quiet for years as their abuser fills their head with nonsense about how they will get the children and tell everyone you are the crazy one. I was told that I would NEVER leave the house with my child. And he was convincing. He always got what he wanted with people. It usually didn't last, but initially he could charm people into doing whatever he asked. If there was a late fee on something or an overdraft in his bank account, he would call and all fees would be waived. I didn't even know that was possible before I was with him. Of course I also never had to worry about late fees or overdrafts before I was with him....
The verbal and emotional abuse normally starts long before it gets violent physically. In my own life, it took at least a year to quiet his voice in my head in order to hear my own thoughts and ideas. I couldn't read, I couldn't write...I couldn't even pray at first. My mind couldn't focus long enough on any of those things. But somehow I still kept my job and took care of an infant and before I left, ran a house. You just do it. You go through the motions. You get up every day. You go to sleep every night (when he will let you sleep without tearing the sheets off the bed or hitting you or BOTH).
So when you're no longer silent you also swing way far the other way on the pendulum of coping and want to tell everyone, anyone, the WORLD. Sometimes that makes people uncomfortable. They think you are airing your dirty laundry. Or they assume you're deriving pleasure from slamming your ex. Or you aren't dealing with your issues as you should, quietly and without involving anyone else. "It's ugly--I don't want to see it." Personally, I found a passion for education about abuse and abusive situations that I didn't know I had inside of me. I never want someone to go through what I went through. But sadly, I know that someone (many someones) are going through it right this second. My hope is that I can be a light to someone on the darkest day of their life.
I am free. I thank God every day that I can sleep when I want to. That I don't cry every day. That I can exercise and feel healthy again. That I know I will have money for food. That we are far away from him. That the debt he created in my name is getting smaller every day. That my child has all she needs. Most importantly, I thank God that she has a mom who can be a good mom, the mom I was meant to be. One with joy in the little things. One with energy and love and support in my life instead of derision, stress and violence. We have come a long way since we left. He has not. It is sad, but it is at this point, not my concern apart from how it affects our child. His choices are his choices.
There is beauty in the mess. But there is true gorgeousness in coming out the other side and seeing it for what it is, a messy past-not who I am but rather what happened to me. Own it. Deal with it. Get some counseling. Move. Forward. One day at a time. Little by little, day by day.
So I'm here to tell you, today might SUCK royally. But tomorrow might not. Keep moving and there is a beautiful life ahead.
Educate yourself about narcissism and abusive individuals so that you do not repeat patterns in the future. Teach your children their value can't be found in how someone else views them. There is so much more to say, but for now I will just say, you're awesome.
People will say you're doing it wrong. It = healing from trauma.
People will be amazing if you stand back and give them the chance to be so.
I have been continuously surprised (I really shouldn't be by this point) at the generosity, support and care of others in my life. Those I haven't talked to in years were often more supportive than those who I thought were close friends. And that's ok. It wasn't ok at first. I was extremely disappointed. I felt the losses of those friends deeply as they stacked on top of the losses I was already experiencing at the end of my marriage and life where we lived.
The leader of my support group says it's a pendulum. When you first leave an abusive situation, you swing way far away from where you were to a point of anger, frustration, lack of empathy, etc. Then you swing back to a happy medium where you can again feel for others more fully and what they are experiencing. At first, the things you are going through are so extreme and complicated and ugly and painful. It makes you want to scream to everyone that your days are hard and the nights are harder. It makes it hard to take in complaints and carry the burden of others.
Another aspect of abuse that some on the outside have a hard time understanding is silence. Deafening silence. You have kept things quiet. Some people have been quiet for years as their abuser fills their head with nonsense about how they will get the children and tell everyone you are the crazy one. I was told that I would NEVER leave the house with my child. And he was convincing. He always got what he wanted with people. It usually didn't last, but initially he could charm people into doing whatever he asked. If there was a late fee on something or an overdraft in his bank account, he would call and all fees would be waived. I didn't even know that was possible before I was with him. Of course I also never had to worry about late fees or overdrafts before I was with him....
The verbal and emotional abuse normally starts long before it gets violent physically. In my own life, it took at least a year to quiet his voice in my head in order to hear my own thoughts and ideas. I couldn't read, I couldn't write...I couldn't even pray at first. My mind couldn't focus long enough on any of those things. But somehow I still kept my job and took care of an infant and before I left, ran a house. You just do it. You go through the motions. You get up every day. You go to sleep every night (when he will let you sleep without tearing the sheets off the bed or hitting you or BOTH).
So when you're no longer silent you also swing way far the other way on the pendulum of coping and want to tell everyone, anyone, the WORLD. Sometimes that makes people uncomfortable. They think you are airing your dirty laundry. Or they assume you're deriving pleasure from slamming your ex. Or you aren't dealing with your issues as you should, quietly and without involving anyone else. "It's ugly--I don't want to see it." Personally, I found a passion for education about abuse and abusive situations that I didn't know I had inside of me. I never want someone to go through what I went through. But sadly, I know that someone (many someones) are going through it right this second. My hope is that I can be a light to someone on the darkest day of their life.
I am free. I thank God every day that I can sleep when I want to. That I don't cry every day. That I can exercise and feel healthy again. That I know I will have money for food. That we are far away from him. That the debt he created in my name is getting smaller every day. That my child has all she needs. Most importantly, I thank God that she has a mom who can be a good mom, the mom I was meant to be. One with joy in the little things. One with energy and love and support in my life instead of derision, stress and violence. We have come a long way since we left. He has not. It is sad, but it is at this point, not my concern apart from how it affects our child. His choices are his choices.
There is beauty in the mess. But there is true gorgeousness in coming out the other side and seeing it for what it is, a messy past-not who I am but rather what happened to me. Own it. Deal with it. Get some counseling. Move. Forward. One day at a time. Little by little, day by day.
So I'm here to tell you, today might SUCK royally. But tomorrow might not. Keep moving and there is a beautiful life ahead.
Educate yourself about narcissism and abusive individuals so that you do not repeat patterns in the future. Teach your children their value can't be found in how someone else views them. There is so much more to say, but for now I will just say, you're awesome.