I wrote this 12/9/14...it is pertinent to some Twitter conversations re: missing your abuser.
I can honestly say that now I do not miss him. Ever. The overbearing weight of his torture is much stronger than any feelings of love I once had for him.
**Today I miss him. Not the him he became. But the him that I married. It makes me feel strange to miss the person that caused (causes...) so much hurt and pain. It makes sense though. I loved him. I chose him as my partner in life. I just didn't know that life together would only be 2 years.
What happened? How did this funny, handsome man who looked at me with such love in his eyes turn into someone I didn't know? Time. Stress. Money (or lack thereof). Chemical imbalances. Dependency on marijuana. A blurring of right and wrong. Anger. Frustration. Blame. Hatred. Love. Tenderness. Violence. Bruises inside and outside.
There is no closure. And I have to be ok with it, but how can I, as a rational human being, be ok with no closure on my marriage? It is a fight every day within myself to remember that it is not possible and that moving forward is our only choice.
He keeps on hurting me by being difficult. Trying to control from a distance. Not supporting financially. Not seeing his child. Breaking the restraining order. Getting continuances on court hearings just to do it.
Moving on. Not dragging the past behind is a daily struggle.