"What is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"
-John Green
FAIL = First Attempt In Learning
Yesterday on Easter Sunday, my friend, my current pastor talked about failure. It triggered yet another zinger in me about this journey. Many times we talk about a "failed marriage." Ouch. Hurts to hear. Because when someone uses that phrase, what I hear is "YOU FAILED AT MARRIAGE." There is just so much more to it than that. And then there I am again, on the defensive. It is my own insecurity. It is an emotional response I am working through in counseling and support group.
When you are verbally and emotionally abused for years, there is just not a simple reset button to having the proper responses to criticism or even a comment like that not intended to be criticism.
Moving forward, there have been many days where I felt like I failed. For instance, yesterday...holidays are hard. I struggle with jealousy. I feel lonely. I want to make it special for the child, but it's hard to do on my own. As the kiddo slept yesterday afternoon, I honestly felt like crawling into the closet and crying. Only problem is that every closet is full of stuff at the moment in the tiny apartment. I fought that urge and tried to deal. Holidays feel like just another day without a partner. And maybe it won't always be like that, but for now while the wound is still fresh it does.
Back to failure....
I failed. It's ok. I keep failing. It's ok. The problem comes when I stop trying. The message yesterday touched on the American idea that success is the ultimate goal and our need to project the best version of ourselves to everyone so as to look the most successful. Social media is of course an obvious way this happens. We don't put up the picture where our eyes are shut (well, some people do but I think that's more about laziness than transparency). We don't take a picture when we're having a fight with someone. We take it a couple days later when we can put our arms around each other and smile at the camera (or let's be honest--the phone :)). We take it when we look perfect and without flaws, at least from the outside. Personally, one thing I notice in pictures now is that I actually AM happy, I don't just LOOK happy. It's in the eyes. When I smile now, my whole face lights up. I'm not turning on a smile and then the next moment back into sad reality.
I want my kid to know that I keep trying. That when I get knocked down, I get back up. Thankfully I don't physically get knocked down anymore, and that ALONE is so empowering.
Let's embrace failure, for without it, we're just not trying at all.
-John Green
FAIL = First Attempt In Learning
Yesterday on Easter Sunday, my friend, my current pastor talked about failure. It triggered yet another zinger in me about this journey. Many times we talk about a "failed marriage." Ouch. Hurts to hear. Because when someone uses that phrase, what I hear is "YOU FAILED AT MARRIAGE." There is just so much more to it than that. And then there I am again, on the defensive. It is my own insecurity. It is an emotional response I am working through in counseling and support group.
When you are verbally and emotionally abused for years, there is just not a simple reset button to having the proper responses to criticism or even a comment like that not intended to be criticism.
Moving forward, there have been many days where I felt like I failed. For instance, yesterday...holidays are hard. I struggle with jealousy. I feel lonely. I want to make it special for the child, but it's hard to do on my own. As the kiddo slept yesterday afternoon, I honestly felt like crawling into the closet and crying. Only problem is that every closet is full of stuff at the moment in the tiny apartment. I fought that urge and tried to deal. Holidays feel like just another day without a partner. And maybe it won't always be like that, but for now while the wound is still fresh it does.
Back to failure....
I failed. It's ok. I keep failing. It's ok. The problem comes when I stop trying. The message yesterday touched on the American idea that success is the ultimate goal and our need to project the best version of ourselves to everyone so as to look the most successful. Social media is of course an obvious way this happens. We don't put up the picture where our eyes are shut (well, some people do but I think that's more about laziness than transparency). We don't take a picture when we're having a fight with someone. We take it a couple days later when we can put our arms around each other and smile at the camera (or let's be honest--the phone :)). We take it when we look perfect and without flaws, at least from the outside. Personally, one thing I notice in pictures now is that I actually AM happy, I don't just LOOK happy. It's in the eyes. When I smile now, my whole face lights up. I'm not turning on a smile and then the next moment back into sad reality.
I want my kid to know that I keep trying. That when I get knocked down, I get back up. Thankfully I don't physically get knocked down anymore, and that ALONE is so empowering.
Let's embrace failure, for without it, we're just not trying at all.