You hear about post traumatic stress disorder. Usually it is being spoken about in relation to someone who has been a soldier and been in combat.. Not always, but in most cases that is the situation where it is brought up and discussed.
I honestly didn't think much about it when I left. It was mentioned to me by well-meaning people who just happened to be related to my now ex-husband. I was too tired to give it much thought. I just had enough energy to put one foot in front of the other, feed the baby and try to remember how to think.
Now, I realize I have PTSD. I wonder when it will go away. I wonder if it will go away. Loud noises cause my heart to race. My stomach sinks and my throat catches. It is involuntary. The strangest part is they are noises I should be used to as a part of my environment. But my body still reacts nearly every time. When the heater kicks on, boom, boom, boom, boom goes my heart. When the kiddo cries in the night, boom boom boom boom. And then I try to go back to sleep. I asked a fellow mom if that happens to her since her baby is a year and a half younger than mine (my thought was she is newer to the mom reaction thing and maybe she does it too...). Nope. No heart racing for her. I know the kiddo is fine. I don't freak out about that. It is just the suddeness of the noise that sets it off.
It is weird to feel out of control in this way, but I can handle it. I'm working to identify the thoughts and feelings behind it. I'm writing more to try to get my story out of my head and into the world.
PTSD affects more than just the military. It is intense. It is stressful. It is real.