Whoosh. This.
Such an accurate description and also an element of this that I have had a hard time explaining. If I could send my past a memo, that would be helpful.
I don't know anyone who would want to feel the effects of PTSD. It is highly unpleasant. I do not know anyone who has "fun" symptoms or triggers. They are annoying. They are debilitating. They make you feel helpless and out of control. They make you feel like damaged goods. And then they pass.
Having worked so hard to get healthy emotionally and physically and mentally, "irritating" is the word that comes to mind the most for me in thinking about PTSD. It makes me feel like X still has claws in me for those brief moments that I am gripped by fear. And then, it passes. And I am me. And I am strong. And I am happy. And I am allowing love into my life and entertaining the possibility of a future where I am no longer haunted. It takes daily effort to keep that grip especially when the environment can be a trigger for terror. I can't control if someone drives poorly with me apart from explaining that it bothers me and hoping that is enough for them to be less reckless. I can't make sure that there is never an unexpected loud noise near me unless I don't leave my house (and even that isn't a guarantee because I don't live alone and my neighbors do loud things sometimes). But what I can do is be aware of how far I've come and focus on that. And breathe.
And I can know this is not weakness-it is something to deal with, but it is not the end of it all. It's not the whole story. Every day and every step takes me further from what we went through, and life is so sweet now. I appreciate every moment. I relax into each second I get to feel happy and excited and loved. There is so much good ahead and the bad gets further and further behind each day.
Such an accurate description and also an element of this that I have had a hard time explaining. If I could send my past a memo, that would be helpful.
I don't know anyone who would want to feel the effects of PTSD. It is highly unpleasant. I do not know anyone who has "fun" symptoms or triggers. They are annoying. They are debilitating. They make you feel helpless and out of control. They make you feel like damaged goods. And then they pass.
Having worked so hard to get healthy emotionally and physically and mentally, "irritating" is the word that comes to mind the most for me in thinking about PTSD. It makes me feel like X still has claws in me for those brief moments that I am gripped by fear. And then, it passes. And I am me. And I am strong. And I am happy. And I am allowing love into my life and entertaining the possibility of a future where I am no longer haunted. It takes daily effort to keep that grip especially when the environment can be a trigger for terror. I can't control if someone drives poorly with me apart from explaining that it bothers me and hoping that is enough for them to be less reckless. I can't make sure that there is never an unexpected loud noise near me unless I don't leave my house (and even that isn't a guarantee because I don't live alone and my neighbors do loud things sometimes). But what I can do is be aware of how far I've come and focus on that. And breathe.
And I can know this is not weakness-it is something to deal with, but it is not the end of it all. It's not the whole story. Every day and every step takes me further from what we went through, and life is so sweet now. I appreciate every moment. I relax into each second I get to feel happy and excited and loved. There is so much good ahead and the bad gets further and further behind each day.