The other day I started thinking about cooking and how that simple act has changed so significantly in my life recently.
This is a weird one. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can’t. Maybe your “cooking” is something else entirely.
All I know is that for me, my abusive marriage took all of the joy out of fixing food for me. For some reason, that kitchen (amongst other rooms in our home) brought out the anger in my ex-husband. Of course, the act of breathing, walking, existing brought out his anger too. It wasn’t too hard to make him mad.
When I was first married, I tried to take on cooking as a way to care for him. I felt like I was supposed to do that in some capacity. Other household chores made me happy-I liked keeping a tidy house and organizing, doing laundry, straightening up, cleaning. Somehow, the items I took off X's plate just became a new way for him to pick on me. If I vacuumed, it was too loud, and I needed to do it when he wasn’t home. If he left the house and I attempted to vacuum as quickly as possible, I was in trouble because inevitably he would try to call me (control), and I wouldn’t hear my phone over the sound. If I did the dishes, I was “OCD and obsessed with cleaning.” If I didn’t, I was lazy. I spent every moment on eggshells trying to anticipate if I was supposed to do something or if I was supposed to do nothing depending on the mood he was in.
After having a baby and using cloth diapers, I tended to do more laundry (not unique, right? NORMAL). One day he said I did too much laundry and dumped 2 loads of dirty clothes on my head while I was crying to prove some sort of point. I’m still not sure what the point was exactly. Interestingly enough, if he ever did a chore (maybe once every few months), he wanted a parade thrown in his honor. With not an ounce of exaggeration, doing one load of laundry literally took him to a place emotionally where he expected applause. He hated household chores and rarely contributed.
But he liked cooking and thought he was the best at it. To his credit, he was creative in the kitchen, but contrary to his own beliefs, he was not perfect there either.
When it came to food prep, I started trying to find recipes and attempted new methods. I hoped he would be impressed with my extra effort. X liked to go out to eat so it wasn’t all that common for me to cook more than a couple times a week for us. If he wanted to go out, we went out whether I thought we should financially or not. But when I made food at home, every step was under his thumb and constantly criticized. “You’re not chopping those the right way…do it like this” with a shove to my side to move me out of the way while he took over. Or he’d take a bite of something and say, “Did you season this..at ALL?” while making a face. I literally can’t recall a single compliment that ever came from food I made. I would sit at the table just waiting to see what he thought but knowing I wouldn’t hear a nice comment.
To be honest, this wasn’t unique to just my cooking. He was negative about nearly every party/friend’s dinner we were invited to participate in. The drive home would involve my listening to a sermon full of his list of problems with what was offered and what he would have done differently. I remember when a friend of ours came over to help us prep for a small party. He spent at least 5 minutes laying into her about her mushroom cutting techniques. The pictures I have of her from that get together, she looks beaten down and sad. I felt horrible he subjected her to the same treatment I always got. It was embarrassing. I wanted to apologize to her knowing he never would. He saw no fault with his treatment.
When I left him, it took awhile for me to care about cooking. I started baking right away because it was a comfort. Cookies, muffins, breads…baking these filled my evenings when I put the baby to bed. During the day, I made food for the kiddo and simple menus for myself. Dinner was pancakes a lot of the time because I could buy the kind where you just add water and feed us for days and days. Money was tight (or…invisible?), and I lacked creativity. Only in the last year have I taken on the kitchen again. But even now, I struggle to let myself be confident in that space. My knee jerk reaction is to think I’m screwing up. I am in a new relationship and cooking together has been a wonderful and fun bonding experience for us as we get started. And yet…I keep wondering if I am about to get in trouble for how I’m doing something. We work well together as we move around the kitchen almost seamlessly. He doesn’t care how I chop the peppers-he just appreciates I’m chopping them! I’m starting to feel comfortable in that room again. I just have to let myself have that. I feel comfortable in all the rooms to be honest. What a nice change. With every chop and every completed and tasty new meal, I’m one step closer to having the freedom to flourish. We sit together, eat our yummy food, and you know what, he even compliments what I’ve made!
We recover in lots of ways-this is one of mine. Abusive people suck the joy out of life because they are miserable. One element in healing I have realized is that I need to be around positive people. This doesn’t mean that everyone has to love me and everything I do. I want REAL. But to be in friendships and a relationship where I feel encouraged and like I am “enough” as I am is crucial for me. It energizes me! Making meals together can be so fulfilling. So with that, I’m off to kiss my fellow cook and keep on healing!
This is a weird one. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can’t. Maybe your “cooking” is something else entirely.
All I know is that for me, my abusive marriage took all of the joy out of fixing food for me. For some reason, that kitchen (amongst other rooms in our home) brought out the anger in my ex-husband. Of course, the act of breathing, walking, existing brought out his anger too. It wasn’t too hard to make him mad.
When I was first married, I tried to take on cooking as a way to care for him. I felt like I was supposed to do that in some capacity. Other household chores made me happy-I liked keeping a tidy house and organizing, doing laundry, straightening up, cleaning. Somehow, the items I took off X's plate just became a new way for him to pick on me. If I vacuumed, it was too loud, and I needed to do it when he wasn’t home. If he left the house and I attempted to vacuum as quickly as possible, I was in trouble because inevitably he would try to call me (control), and I wouldn’t hear my phone over the sound. If I did the dishes, I was “OCD and obsessed with cleaning.” If I didn’t, I was lazy. I spent every moment on eggshells trying to anticipate if I was supposed to do something or if I was supposed to do nothing depending on the mood he was in.
After having a baby and using cloth diapers, I tended to do more laundry (not unique, right? NORMAL). One day he said I did too much laundry and dumped 2 loads of dirty clothes on my head while I was crying to prove some sort of point. I’m still not sure what the point was exactly. Interestingly enough, if he ever did a chore (maybe once every few months), he wanted a parade thrown in his honor. With not an ounce of exaggeration, doing one load of laundry literally took him to a place emotionally where he expected applause. He hated household chores and rarely contributed.
But he liked cooking and thought he was the best at it. To his credit, he was creative in the kitchen, but contrary to his own beliefs, he was not perfect there either.
When it came to food prep, I started trying to find recipes and attempted new methods. I hoped he would be impressed with my extra effort. X liked to go out to eat so it wasn’t all that common for me to cook more than a couple times a week for us. If he wanted to go out, we went out whether I thought we should financially or not. But when I made food at home, every step was under his thumb and constantly criticized. “You’re not chopping those the right way…do it like this” with a shove to my side to move me out of the way while he took over. Or he’d take a bite of something and say, “Did you season this..at ALL?” while making a face. I literally can’t recall a single compliment that ever came from food I made. I would sit at the table just waiting to see what he thought but knowing I wouldn’t hear a nice comment.
To be honest, this wasn’t unique to just my cooking. He was negative about nearly every party/friend’s dinner we were invited to participate in. The drive home would involve my listening to a sermon full of his list of problems with what was offered and what he would have done differently. I remember when a friend of ours came over to help us prep for a small party. He spent at least 5 minutes laying into her about her mushroom cutting techniques. The pictures I have of her from that get together, she looks beaten down and sad. I felt horrible he subjected her to the same treatment I always got. It was embarrassing. I wanted to apologize to her knowing he never would. He saw no fault with his treatment.
When I left him, it took awhile for me to care about cooking. I started baking right away because it was a comfort. Cookies, muffins, breads…baking these filled my evenings when I put the baby to bed. During the day, I made food for the kiddo and simple menus for myself. Dinner was pancakes a lot of the time because I could buy the kind where you just add water and feed us for days and days. Money was tight (or…invisible?), and I lacked creativity. Only in the last year have I taken on the kitchen again. But even now, I struggle to let myself be confident in that space. My knee jerk reaction is to think I’m screwing up. I am in a new relationship and cooking together has been a wonderful and fun bonding experience for us as we get started. And yet…I keep wondering if I am about to get in trouble for how I’m doing something. We work well together as we move around the kitchen almost seamlessly. He doesn’t care how I chop the peppers-he just appreciates I’m chopping them! I’m starting to feel comfortable in that room again. I just have to let myself have that. I feel comfortable in all the rooms to be honest. What a nice change. With every chop and every completed and tasty new meal, I’m one step closer to having the freedom to flourish. We sit together, eat our yummy food, and you know what, he even compliments what I’ve made!
We recover in lots of ways-this is one of mine. Abusive people suck the joy out of life because they are miserable. One element in healing I have realized is that I need to be around positive people. This doesn’t mean that everyone has to love me and everything I do. I want REAL. But to be in friendships and a relationship where I feel encouraged and like I am “enough” as I am is crucial for me. It energizes me! Making meals together can be so fulfilling. So with that, I’m off to kiss my fellow cook and keep on healing!