Been thinking. (What else is new, amiright?)
The point of this Joni Mitchell song was about not appreciating something until it is no longer there. Missing something once it is gone and realizing its beauty. "Pave paradise and put up a parking lot". (Ooooooo, bop bop bop). I'm going to spin that idea and go another direction.
I have been back in the dating world for just under a year. It has been an adventure in patience and balance. It's been sometimes negative and sometimes positive to be back out there. I have laughed, cried and at times been incredibly confused. Dating has changed significantly since I was "in the game" in my 20's. Having a child in the mix then adds another element of course. My time is limited, and my responsibilities dictate much of my availability for meet-ups.
All that to say, I have never in my life had this many dates. Ever. Online dating creates the scenarios seemingly "easier" than the real life meeting people thing. You get a message that isn't creepy and potentially banter back and forth to feel out whether there is commonality there beyond the projected persona on the profile. If the interest is there for both parties, usually a date is suggested within a few days or weeks. So, I've had a lot of dates. Many of those were first dates and...that's it. One and done. Four turned into what I would call dating relationships.
So, three of those have ended. All three ended somewhat painfully for me. First was meant to be a friend. Second was in love in 5 days (no, no, he wasn't--he just thought he was). The last one was beyond strange in the hot/cold aspect and left me feeling quite rattled. Yet, I'm thankful. As I look back, I see that each of those situations created a significant amount of anxiety for me. The man held the cards. And I found myself asking if I could sit at the table while he played. It wasn't right. They weren't right. Not for me. They might be right (and probably are) for someone else. I didn't realize that anxiety was present until recently when that seemingly vanished. And you know what someone who left an abusive relationship and has anxiety doesn't need? More anxiety!
Now there is a sense of calm and a feeling of peace in my gut. It's affecting more than just my emotional health. I work better, play better, parent better because I feel that security of knowing where I stand. "The game" is damaging and hurtful, and I just can't participate in it. I'm bad at being coy and having mystery. I'm just who I am. I'm easing into the newness and taking my time in sharing my story too. The learning curve was great when getting back to dating. Back when my self-esteem was fairly crappy, I used to think that the kiddo and I would find a "Jerry Maguire" type situation where this dude would fall in love with my child and then realize I was a cool person to have around too. Now I know we're a dynamic duo, a package deal both worthy of that love and attention. My kid is awesome of course, but so am I! That head and heart space is a much better place to inhabit than where I used to reside. The past year has taught me a ton. I worked through some residual issues. For instance, sudden hugs no longer cause me to want to run for cover.
This guy might not be my guy. Or he might be. All I know is that the lessons I've learned through the sometimes painful process of self-discovery and dating relationships are worth it to be here now. Dating-induced stress, I didn't know you were there but I'm glad you're gone!
The point of this Joni Mitchell song was about not appreciating something until it is no longer there. Missing something once it is gone and realizing its beauty. "Pave paradise and put up a parking lot". (Ooooooo, bop bop bop). I'm going to spin that idea and go another direction.
I have been back in the dating world for just under a year. It has been an adventure in patience and balance. It's been sometimes negative and sometimes positive to be back out there. I have laughed, cried and at times been incredibly confused. Dating has changed significantly since I was "in the game" in my 20's. Having a child in the mix then adds another element of course. My time is limited, and my responsibilities dictate much of my availability for meet-ups.
All that to say, I have never in my life had this many dates. Ever. Online dating creates the scenarios seemingly "easier" than the real life meeting people thing. You get a message that isn't creepy and potentially banter back and forth to feel out whether there is commonality there beyond the projected persona on the profile. If the interest is there for both parties, usually a date is suggested within a few days or weeks. So, I've had a lot of dates. Many of those were first dates and...that's it. One and done. Four turned into what I would call dating relationships.
So, three of those have ended. All three ended somewhat painfully for me. First was meant to be a friend. Second was in love in 5 days (no, no, he wasn't--he just thought he was). The last one was beyond strange in the hot/cold aspect and left me feeling quite rattled. Yet, I'm thankful. As I look back, I see that each of those situations created a significant amount of anxiety for me. The man held the cards. And I found myself asking if I could sit at the table while he played. It wasn't right. They weren't right. Not for me. They might be right (and probably are) for someone else. I didn't realize that anxiety was present until recently when that seemingly vanished. And you know what someone who left an abusive relationship and has anxiety doesn't need? More anxiety!
Now there is a sense of calm and a feeling of peace in my gut. It's affecting more than just my emotional health. I work better, play better, parent better because I feel that security of knowing where I stand. "The game" is damaging and hurtful, and I just can't participate in it. I'm bad at being coy and having mystery. I'm just who I am. I'm easing into the newness and taking my time in sharing my story too. The learning curve was great when getting back to dating. Back when my self-esteem was fairly crappy, I used to think that the kiddo and I would find a "Jerry Maguire" type situation where this dude would fall in love with my child and then realize I was a cool person to have around too. Now I know we're a dynamic duo, a package deal both worthy of that love and attention. My kid is awesome of course, but so am I! That head and heart space is a much better place to inhabit than where I used to reside. The past year has taught me a ton. I worked through some residual issues. For instance, sudden hugs no longer cause me to want to run for cover.
This guy might not be my guy. Or he might be. All I know is that the lessons I've learned through the sometimes painful process of self-discovery and dating relationships are worth it to be here now. Dating-induced stress, I didn't know you were there but I'm glad you're gone!